I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
