I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just threw up on my dentist
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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