Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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