i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
try to milk me bitch
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