Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
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dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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