Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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