there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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