I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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