I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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