I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
