ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
