I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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