i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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