There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
