apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
