even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
