Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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