He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
