one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
