Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
