In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
