If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
