i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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