im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
