i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Jerry, you need to find god
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
