Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
