did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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