i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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