Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
