there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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