I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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