I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize