Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
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