sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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