i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
