She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
