I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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