i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
