The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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