I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize