i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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