I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
