I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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