hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
A bitchslap is in order.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
