Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I want her autograph on my taint
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Randomize
