You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
