I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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