Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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