I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough