She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
