is your mom at the bar?
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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