Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
