Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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