You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
