It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I think I sprained my soul last night
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
