She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
